My nervous energy helped me accomplish a near-impossible feat I haven’t completed since I started that finance class nearly 10 weeks ago… I cleaned the condo. At the expense of my first justification of my dissertation topic, which is due tomorrow…. Aiyeeeeeeee…… and then some.
After calling and wishing my mom a happy mother’s day – and appreciating that she went through the labor pains for me – and deciding that I would fly out to Kansas to visit her on Fourth of July weekend (that trip will actually put me at my ninth consecutive month of an out of town excursion — love racking up those frequent flier miles… I know, F me) I tossed another laundry load in to the wash, packed up my macbook, and headed back to Lola’s to grade my MBA students’ papers and (overambitiously) planned to work on my dissertation justification… which is due tomorrow. getting booted from Lola, which closes early on Sundays, I headed south to Burton Barr library — hey, any library that scores Yelp points… is pretty much worth beholding — and found one of those “quiet” study rooms, hoping the silence would force me to finish my weekly feedback to my students and allow me to work on my own student-centric work, too. Not a chance! I realized, I absolutely thrive i a frenetic coffee shop, but shove me in a quiet room, and I suddenly become so hyperly aware of all the noises happening in the quiet room, completely amplified… because I am in the quiet room… which means no noise… so any noise… is SO FREAKING LOUD AND DISTRACTING!!!!
Back home, I finished the grading, and the anxiety so overwhelmed me I couldn’t sit still, and I cleaned, and cleaned, and organized, and cleaned… and then, I opened a Sauvignon Blanc from Arizona Stronghold (I will support pretty much anything that comes from my feisty, little SB 1070 state, especially it’s wine), and am listening to my never-losing, favorite chill iPod mix including Alexi Murdoch, The Sundays, and Doves… and feeling very proud of my accomplishments from cleaning. Now I will let people in my house. And I haven’t yet figured out where I will sleep tonight, because Mount Laundry occupies my bed. And I won’t fret that tomorrow is Monday, and despite all of my intentions, I did not accomplish the 92 things I set out to do this weekend.
But, I will enjoy the rest of my too-full glass of wine, and I won’t let myself remember that I never ate any dinner, oh how I hate the breakup diet.
Did I say breakup? I did…. After three trips encompassing both coasts, meeting both sets of parents – my mom is quirky, his mom is sweeter than my aunt’s pecan pie, sharing a hot dog with his precious little boys… we may have reached our “best by” date. It’s not decided, but over sushi on Friday night, a sort of call to arms was had, and as I stared at the beautiful yellowtail sashimi — quite pissed because I lost my appetite as I heard his words — I realized we had even bigger problems than him not knowing how he wanted to define any future relationship. And, that beautiful fish went to waste, and I realized that both sets of our eyes were not only too big for our stomachs, but possibly our constitutions. I don’t know where “we” stand, but I fear “we” are heading toward the breakup phase of our relationship. Shit. Double, triple, QUADRUPLE shit. I don’t like this one. I love him. He loves me. I have an appointment to see Trini Wednesday, so maybe he can help me set myself right.
And I wondered, how would I show my face again in my favorite, neighborhood sushi joint?
And I wondered, should I try to hold on to him, or do I walk away now, before the pain of detachment becomes even stronger than it feels for me now?
And, I wondered, as he said he wished he could get inside my head and tell me, “it’s okay if (I) never get married,” I wish I could have told him I wish I could get in his head and tell him, “not all women are like her.”
Ah, how we have DEFINITELY missed the boat…..