Somewhere on the cusp of Tuesday night and Wednesday morning after the longest 15 hour drive of my life, including a hellacious thunderstorm bordered by tornadoes to the south of where I was driving, Edie and I rolled up to the driveway of my folks’ house in the Swedish Meatball. Three weeks into a six – seven week road trip was cut short by my sobering realization I could not maintain the focus I needed on my final round of edits of my dissertation for my committee to approve and allow me to move on to my defense.

As much as I hate having to miss my niece’s first dance recital and one on one time with my best friend, most definitely not something to enjoy, this was a hard, but right, decision to make. I’ll look forward to getting to Connecticut later in the summer, and then maybe the water will even be warm enough for a swim! Amidst some disappointments, there’s still plenty I found this week to be beautiful.

Something to Enjoy

Something I’m Listening to…. Chris Cornell – Sunshower

Thursday’s news absolutely gutted me. As were many others rocked by the revelation of Chris Cornell’s unfortunate and untimely death. I feel like all of my idols are being taken away. I listened to this song – as is a frequent repeat on my playlists. If you’re at all feeling what I am, you’ve likely been hitting the Spotify Audioslave, Soundgarden, and his solo playlists all day. Er, weekend? He’s gone, but I can tribute the heck out of his art.

Something I’m Reading…. Modern Love

My obsession with the New York Times’s Modern Love podcast grew into reading the weekly column on the website. I wait, every week, for the indicator on my podcast app to inform me of the next episode. And I wait, every week, for the NYT site to update the newest digital draft to read. Two Modern Loves in any given week. And, when I’m planning a road trip, I’ll hold off on the podcast so I can binge listen to the stories. 

Something I’m Loving…. 

Feminista Jones‘s Twitter, in particular, her cheeky call out and “to piss a man off today” challenge. I feel hopeful more women are speaking up and calling out behaviors and ideologies that need to change. 

something to enjoy

Whatever you are looking ahead to with the rest of your weekend and heading into next week, make it beautiful! As for me, I’m enjoying the empty house while my folks are exploring the northeastern sea shore and riding out four straight days of thunderstorms and tornado watches. Welcome to Spring time in Kansas! There’s no place like “home.”

XO,

Jennifer

something to enjoy something to enjoy

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How to Deal During a Friendship Breakup

Romantic breakups… they suck. Socially, we are better prepared to cope with the loss of a lover. When we lose a friend, particularly a close friendship, that sting of a friendship breakup is especially potent and lingering.

What do you do when a friendship breakup goes without warning?

In addition to losing the friend, chances are there are mutual friends, too. Maneuvering through the painful emotions of the loss of the friend is particularly tricky, in this case. Navigate wrong and you may also lose friends who feel (intentionally or accidentally) pressured to choose allegiances. Your circle of support may end up even smaller. Having been caught in the middle of a friendship breakup, it’s painful and awkward as hell to be in the mutual circle. 

“Female friendships can make us feel healthier, happier, less stressed and feel more beautiful,” according to extensive research collected by founder of Girlfriendology, Debba Hauper. It’s no surprise, then, that you can feel especially isolated at the loss of a close friendship.

When I experienced a particularly distressing loss of a romantic relationship I had a friend’s shoulder I could cry on. The same shoulder I leaned on when I unexpectedly lost my father. This woman was also by my side through a betrayal by a partner which sent my entire world on its axis. So when our friendship was threatened, and abruptly ended in quite a volatile and fast fashion, the loss was… palpable.

The person I would’ve normally gone to and talked with about my sadness was gone. 

friendship breakup

Image credit Evan Kirby @EvanKirby2

To a point, yes, I faulted her for the demise of the friendship. I was heartbroken. More so, even, than I was the romantic relationship whose breakup she nursed me through. I was angry because logically the situation was so absurd. To me. I didn’t “deserve” the fault and blame coming at me. By my perspective. I never had the opportunity to learn from her what her perspective was. But I was out of my mind with grief.

A friendship goes two ways and you can’t control the agency and filter by which another person views the world any more than you can change patterns of behavior of a person other than yours. You are allowed to feel hurt and mourn that loss. But be cautious with how you act out in your pain. Your pain is not an excuse to act out in a bad way.

I also knew then, as I do now, at the time of the fracture between us, she was responding to a perceived threat to her safety and wellbeing in the best way she knew how with the coping strategies that have served her to that point in her life. I responded in the way I needed to advocate for myself, knowing full well the potential for the fallout that occurred. Knowing what my hard line and boundary was and what action I was obliged to take even knowing what the reaction would be. 

I typically am of the choose to be in the relationship over righteousness mentality. In this particular instance, whereas previously I could let go of issues that arose and gave her the space to be “right,” in this case I could not. How I wished I could…. If in the midst of a conflict with your friend, consider what is more important?

Gut checking my responses and actions, I tread as carefully as I could. But, it wasn’t all about me. This was something she was very much experiencing and participating in, as well. There was a pattern of behavior I previously witnessed, and now I was experiencing. While my heart was breaking I also knew there was a particular pathology going on that wasn’t about me. That awareness did not make my pain any less but was valuable for me to begin to process the loss.

I’ve since come to terms with and moved beyond the end of the friendship. Weathered awkward (and at times downright rude) greetings and path crossings. From a distance watched her life evolve and be blessed with joys she was worried would elude her. Silently celebrated the wins I would hear about in her life, and on several occassions debated if sending congratulations and well wishes would be welcomed. Ultimately, I chose silence.

We even evolved to civil and “safe” conversations about work and life. But we are at the point in our lives, now. I have no interest in trying to rebuild the friendship. Based on what I see, there is no interest on her part, too. And that’s ok. From afar, I wish her so much happiness and well being. We had a beautiful friendship and she was a damn good friend to me when we were friends. 

I owned my role, but I can’t – and nor should you – take ownership for the work another person needs to do or the actions another person chooses to make. Because it isn’t always about you. It’s entirely possible, during a friendship breakup, especially if it’s messy, your friend is feeling intense pain, too. And could be operating from a place of pain. 

friendship breakup

Image credit Evan Kirby @EvanKirby2

What you can do in these moments is respond in a way that is healthy and authentic for yourself. Own what is yours to own and do not take on what is not yours to claim.

Some strategies I employed to help me cope with the breakup

After what I thought was a reasonable, although recent, cooling off period I sent an email requesting for us to talk about the outburst. She declined. I accepted her experience and wishes as I accepted the finality of her choice. Closure is really more of a concept than an outcome. Let it be. If your friend doesn’t want to talk it out or try to reconcile, honor her experience and her preference. It’s not all about you.

Practice kindness and compassion to myself. I reflected on what were lessons I could take from this? In the end, after a lot of self reflection and honest – safe – dialogue with people who knew my tendencies and character faults, I realized I would have acted the same if given a chance for a do over. I put energy into my other friendships, my voluntarism, my PhD work, snuggles with Edie… I put my energy and focus into all of the positive and awesome things I have and have going on in my life. Dogs make pretty much any sad scenario brighter and lighter. Don’t have a dog? Volunteer at a local shelter. They nearly always need people to walk and play with the pups. Not a dog person? Shelters have kitties, too. 

friendship breakup

Image credit Evan Kirby @EvanKirby2

Create space. For me this meant unfriending on social media. It seems dramatic and harsh but I needed to focus on my healing. That meant giving myself as much space emotionally and not seeing mutual friends’ tags and updates on her life. Seeing the reminders of ways in which I was no longer part of her life hurt me. Unfriending was not an act of passive aggression or punishment. I knew our friendship was over in the real world so ending it in Facebook, to me, was a natural progression and step. 

I cried and wrote about it in my journal. The loss hurt because that emotional investment in the deep intimacy of our friendship was something worth losing. I wrote out things I wanted to say to her – but if you do this, please do not send those letters! Like Dr. Seuss wrote, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” But if you need to cry and you want to cry, cry. Then smile. Even though it’s gone, you had something beautiful. And probably have others, and you will have more beautiful babelicious friendships.

Okay, I could have been less petty. Even when I tried to own my emotions, if she came up in conversation, there were times I didn’t filter as well as I should have. And, wow, that created some awkward. Guess who looked like the petty, emotional fool? And, also, I wish I honored the past friendship and my former friend more. There are times when even if you’re not trying to be, petty can come out with realizing it. So watch yourself. 

My mom repeatedly told me as I was growing up a person’s perspective is their reality.

Never is that more observable when coping with conflict. Be as loving as you can be, to your friend and to you. Because, ultimately, you will serve your own experience best by acting with love. 

XO, Jennifer

friendship breakup

 

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A Flat Bottomed Boat Fiesta in Xochimilco

Have you been to Xochimilco? So sings the Mexican pop band Mariaxibit. The song, Boyfriend from Mexico, is silly and cheeky. I “discovered” this particular song when someone who wanted to be my boyfriend (from Mexico). Unfortunately – well, I guess it depends how you look at it – I did not want the boyfriend from Mexico. But… I did learn how to properly pronounce the party that is this series of canals and wonderful, colorful, flat bottomed boats in the southern part of Mexico City.

A long standing CDMX bucket list location for me, upon my first full day in CDMX I set out to experience these canals and spend part of a day in Xochimilco once and for all. 

Xochimilco is affectionately called the “Venice” of Mexico City. You might also hear people talk about the “floating gardens” of Mexico City and they are referring to here. While two’s company, three’s a crowd, and anything more is a fiesta or a brawl, my solo venture was a party of one. And that was mightily alright by me.

xochimilco

And party!

Yes, Xochimilco is one heck of an awesome party.

Yes, it is a monstrous tourist trap. But!! A visit in Mexico City would be incomplete without at least one ride on these boats drinking beer, eating street food, and partying to music by mariachis. In fact, I have it on authority that locals – chilangos – even venture here on weekends to unwind. Go prepared, and you can avoid paying an arm and a leg for the experience.

There are several boat operators who will be vying for your business. Most boats can be rented for around 350 – 450 pesos per hour. This is by boat. The more people in your party, the lesser cost per person.

xochimilco

I negotiated down to 150 pesos for an hour long ride in the canals. Now, that is quite low – ridiculously low and truth be told I don’t know how I pulled off that negotiation! The afternoon threatened rain and the canals weren’t very busy. In fact, the sky did open up almost immediately upon me getting back on land. I totally pulled a pansy move and rang an Uber, and trust me when I tell you the metro is mich cheaper and faster. Traffic doesn’t move quickly in Mexico City. And rush hour in CDMX makes LA’s 405 look like an efficient traffic movement system. At least I had quite the captive intercambio partner to practice my Spanish with for the nearly two hours it took to drive to my apartment in Condesa! 

But back to the cost of the boats…. Generally, if you can get a boat around 350 pesos per hour, you have a good deal. You may be able to negotiate the hourly rate down more if you plan to be on the boat for a longer time.
When you rent the boat, that is what you are getting. The boat. You can bring a pre-packed picnic of food and beverages (don’t forget the beer or wine, y’all) and you can purchase at Embarcadero Nuevo Nativitas before boarding your boat. You can purchase from vendors on the canals on boats but it’s more expensive and limited to sodas, cervezas, and elotes.

xochimilco

Once you are on your boat, it is all about the canals and collective celebrations! Mariachi bands float by on passing boats and you can hire them to come onto your boat and perform for you. I say do it! You can also bring your own speakers, or find some to rent in the stalls along the waterfront. Then, chill out and wave and call out to the other boats passing by.

I had far too much enjoyment playing with my selfie stick and dabbling in the water in between calling back and forth with the different mariachi bands and boats. I still hadn’t quite become accustomed to people taking pictures of me. That continues to be an awkward experience. They definitely aren’t taking pictures of my spectacular street fashion. I’m not ending up in any fashion blogs anytime soon unless as a “don’t.” 

Xochimilco

There are shops and greenhouses along the canals as well as a replica of the famous doll island, Isla de las Muñecas. The real island is several hours away, but the replica is a few minutes from the boat launches. You can request the driver of the boat to stop while you explore and shop.

Getting to Xochimilco

xochimilco

Mexico City is huge and traveling by car can take forever. You can get to Xochimilco very easily by metro, though! Wherever you get on, take the train to Tasqueña which is, literally, the end of the line. You then take a second train by following the signs to Tren Ligero which drops you off directly in Xochimilco.

When I went, Tren Ligero was under construction but there’s an easy fix. From the stop at Tasqueña, take a shuttle bus (bonus – it’s free) to Azteca Stadium. From there you can get back on a train to Xochimilco.

Now, from the station you can walk or grab a quick cab. It’s important you specify you want to be taken to Embarcadero Nuevo Nativitas. This is important! Embarcadero Nuevo Nativitas is the main launch area and parking lot. Embarcadero Nuevo Nativitas has loads of food stands from where you can purchase food to bring into your boat. Ignore the signs suggesting other entrance points. Embarcadero Nuevo Nativitas is where you need to get your party started!

xochimilco

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, guapas, tell me… have you ever been to Xochimilco? XO, Jennifer

 

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There are some things in life that shouldn't be given so much importance, if they don't change what is essential. Laura Esquivel Quotes

It doesn’t matter to me what you did, there are some things in life that shouldn’t be given so much importance, if they don’t change what is essential. What you’ve told me hasn’t changed the way I think; I’ll say again, I would be delegated to be your companion for the rest of your life-but you must think over very carefully whether I am the man for you or not. ~Laura Esquivel

Not counting the anime I watched growing up in Germany, in which case Sea Prince and Fire Child would probably be my first foreign film, Like Water for Chocolate was the first foreign film I saw. My mom took me to the old Camelview theater 24 years ago to see the film, of which she read reviews and wanted to go see it. The woman is still traumatized so many years later. She was not ready to have the “sex” dialogue with me after having barely recovered from the “becoming a woman” conversation.

My mother actually shrieked – yelped – at the first sighting of full frontal nudity. Then she spent the remainder of the film alternately jumping, yelping, and ordering me to cover my eyes. To this day, I can still get a reaction from her by the mere mention of the title of the film.

Como Agua Para Chocolate, or Like Water for Chocolate is a euphemism to describe someone in a rapturous state. I asked my Spanish teacher why the reference because I had some idea but wasn’t fully in the concept. Sometimes, yes, I am that clueless. He just smiled and explained because to make hot chocolate, to be added to the chocolate, the water must be boiling.

In Mexico, hot chocolate is usually made with water, not milk.

I rather like that reference, don’t you? It’s such a vivid and sensational way to describe a sensual state of being.

Since seeing the film I had an opportunity to read the book, and I highly recommend the read. Her ability to create such vivid and beautiful concepts with her words is magical. I recently read Malinche, another of Laura Esquivel’s books when I was in Puerto Escondido. It not only was an exceptional beach read, the story was sad and beautiful.

What is on your upcoming summer reading list? I have a feeling I’m going to pick up a certain “libro” for another read through.

Make this one a great one!

XO, Jennifer

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My Favorite Coffee Shop in San Cristobal de las Casas

I found my favorite coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas. Two things for which San Cristobal de las Casas is known: alpine chill in the air and out of this world good coffee. San Cristobal de las Casas is the heart of Mexico’s coffee industry.

Frontera coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas

For real, I thought the local coffee in Oaxaca was delicious. Chiapas has best coffee on lock! Cold nights lead to chilly mornings that warm into exquisite days… It’s like a perpetual mid-March/early-April even when not raining, which is another climate specialty of this sky high city. Both elements contribute to a perfect environment to drink hot coffee and chocolate to my heart’s content.

Frontera coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas

Whether a frequent tourista or a digital nomad, us wanderlust afflicted ladies know the value of wifi. One of my first searches upon finding a new city landing spot is where is the good wifi. And just as importantly, where is the good coffee?

Frontera coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas

If you have to sacrifice some of your vacation, or “vacation,” to work, it might as well be in a beautiful space with fast wifi, spectacular coffee, and a jamming play list. Frontera has all of this in spades…

Frontera coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas

While I call it my favorite coffee shop in San Cristobal, it is possibly my favorite. Coffee. Shop. Period.

Reclaimed wooden and glass doors function as tables. Linen upholstered wingback chairs frame a bookshelf stacked with board games and books. A Chippendale sofa upholstered in cobalt blue offers a perfect vantage point for people watching or reading up on the history of Zapatistas. Windows and skylights ensure the lighting is perfect for selfies. And working. Circa 1994 Counting Crows meets Bel Biv Devoe meets Cigarettes After Sex’s cover of Keep On Loving You. And the patio… … …

Frontera coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas

Oh, but the coffee, right? In addition to the tried and true espresso press, local artisan coffee can also be extracted by Chemex (my favorite), Aeropress, French Press, and Dripper. All of the coffee beans are from Chiapas, fair trade, and organic. And delicious! Holy roastery Batman. Amazing!

Frontera coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas

United Airlines is going to need to forcibly remove me from my seat. Frontera is the coffee shop of my dreams and for the time I have remaining in this magical little city, is hands down my favorite coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas.

Frontera coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas

I love to say the name of this city so much… San Cristobal de las Casas. You know, it wasn’t part of my original plan when I moved to Mexico. I’m so glad I cut into my Oaxaca time and came here. My regret is I only have one week.

The artistic and creative energy that this place emanates is crazy strong. If I were a better and more inspired writer, I think I could write a novel here. At least, I was able to finish my dissertation chair required edits here? Committee approval and defense, I’ve got you locked in my cross hairs. Finally!

Frontera coffee shop in San Cristobal de las Casas

What elements do you look for when seeking your coffee mother ship? XO, Jennifer

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