My Manhattan Morning
One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as five years ~ Thomas Wolfe
Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, Grand Dame of Manhattan!

They say life’s what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. But sometimes in New York, life is what happens when you’re waiting for a table. ~Carrie Bradshaw 

Strawberry Fields Forever… Forever. My first stumble upon this was total Serendipity, I wasn’t even looking for it.

Each man reads his own meaning in New York. ~Meyer Berger
(Sigh) No words…

You take a team with twenty-five assholes and I’ll show you a pennant. I’ll show you the New York Yankees. ~Bill Lee

Flea market finds are the best!
Oof! And I already ate breakfast – darnit!!
More fun finds at the Hell’s Kitchen flea market… too bad I only packed carry-on.

NYC is chaotic. And I’m attracted to chaos. ~Trevor Dunn

They’re sooo bad but they taste sooo good!
Minnetonka Mocs for Manhattan walks — do you know… I had forgotten what crispy, crunching leaves sounds like? Weird, huh.
Spying on an engagement — she said, “yes!” And, yes, he DID get down on one knee. Dreamy…
Leaving Bethesda Terrace…

And New York is the most beautiful city in the world? It is not far from it. No urban night is like the night there…squares after squares of flame, set up and cut into the aether. Here is our poetry, for we have pulled down the stars to our will.  ~Ezra Pound

As I snapped away at the trees, Kelly just shook her head – leaves means raking, in her world
I explained the phenomenon is the same bewilderment I have when tourist snap shots of saguaros in Phoenix!

New York is what Paris was in the twenties…the center of the art world. And we want to be in the center. It’s the greatest place on earth…I’ve got a lot of friends here and I even brought my own cash. ~John Lennon

This was another happy accident!
Yes, winding down the adventure, going “off duty”
Taking the train back to Connecticut (sigh)

Not bad for four hours, right?

There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born here, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size and its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is the New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. […] Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness; natives give it solidity and continuity; but the settlers give it passion. ~E.B. White

When Moving Forward Requires Going Through More Pain

Friday, I tasted a new concoction: lemonade with matcha tea. The powdered tea gives a beverage a really spooky, opaque hue, but the taste is actually quite splendid! On the thought of lemonade…. Im holding a giant pile of lemons. Have you ever cut yourself slicing lemons and gotten lemon juice in the wound? Yeah. Even worse than sour. That sums up how I feel right now. I know I need to move forward; I want to move on and move through a reality I know is not a bad dream. I’m in so much pain, and I’m about to have to walk through some more. In order for me to get moving forward and beyond this present pain, my path requires going through even more pain. Life isn’t fair. I get that. I don’t have a grievance about fairness. That’s not what this is about.

This upcoming Friday evening, I board a red eye to an eventual end travel destination in Massachusetts to meet up with my mom and visit Pere-Pere as he begins a very aggressive radiation treatment to shrink the tumors. However, his treatment choice is quality of life, not curative, so what I am planning is to say goodbye to my grandfather.

He is dying. On his terms, as much as he can manage with brian cancer. I’ve never done this before. Saying goodbye to someone in this scenario.

When moving forward requires going through more pain

My best friend on the planet lives in the tri-state area. I realized I need a bit of a buffer and to ease into that level of emotional intensity. Following a quick phone call with her, we decided to build in some “bestie” time. We’ll spend a short day in the city, then she will drive me to the Hartford airport for us to pick up my cousin, Stephanie, who is ALSO coming up for her final visit and goodbye, and Kelly will deposit us in our respective moms’ and aunts’ arms in Southbridge, MA.

There’s no way I see making this trip a pleasure voyage. But I know I don’t have to try to be brave, on my own. And, right now, I feel very much alone. And fragile. I don’t even trust my own footing at this point in time. Following some terrible bombshells regarding “Rugby Fellow’s” character and irreversible actions, I can’t even trust my own judgment. But I can trust Kelly. She knows it all. The good and beautiful, and the really ugly and bad and vulnerable underbelly. And she still loves me. I know I can pull, from her, some of her strength – because strong is NOT what I’m feeling.

What I feel is: naive, stupid, follied vanity, scared, betrayed, angry – so, so, so, soooooooo much anger (and every other emotion that comes to the angry party), confused and disoriented…… Yeah… I’m not operating in a high vibration frequency, right now. Look, I know I am too sensitive in most situations. I feel easily, deeply, and continuously assume more positive intent than some people in my live deserved. But I am reeeeeeeeeeeeeling from the latest series of revelations and thickness of Rugby’s web of sophisticated, manipulative, deception. I am emotionally and physically hurt. There. There is some hard truth. He even took my money. Not that I have so much around I can easily overlook the financial loss. He almost put me, unwittingly, in a position of legal liability, but fortunately that incident didn’t go as terribly as it could have.

I should be sighing relief from dodging the bullet. But, you see, I didn’t dodge the bullet. The bullet hit me. Very much so. No internal organs or major arteries were penetrated. I will heal. How much scar tissue develops – and there will be scar tissue – is unknown. These aren’t the standard emotional mutterings of a relationship gone bad. It really is that bad. There is no way to undo  some atrocious consequences, and RF isn’t even able to face – to acknowledge – to take ownership.

And all in all, I am sure that if the devil existed, he would want us to feel very sorry for him.” ~ Martha Stout

moving forward

I can’t worry about that, or him, anymore. The call to action is to focus on healing me, as much as I can. It’s quite a good thing I have a therapist I already like. I will be seeing her quite a lot over these upcoming months. My goodness, it sucks. Sucks so bad! And now, without any sense of emotional strength, I must prepare to say goodbye to the family patriarch.

So, I have a fully vested Planes, Trains, and Automobiles plan for some temporary respite and allow myself to feel good for a few moments.

And, it’s not as if I’m suddenly switching my mood of late from morose to yippee, skippee, happy-happy. I don’t ping-pong like that, but it’s finding the gifts and seeing opportunities to find pleasure, appreciate blessings, and finding a way to make lemonade…. Not in a false gratitude sort of way, either. What I am referring to is choosing to recognize that, in spite of a nearly suffocating loss of my own equilibrium and sense of safety enhanced by an overwhelming and profound sadness of knowing I’m preparing to say goodbye to someone who has been a paramount influence and element in my entire life, I’m finding the bits of light I can see… Because even when it’s dark, there’s rarely a full, total, blackness. I need some light, and I am going to find it.

You don’t have to be positive all the time. It’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared, or anxious. Having feelings doesn’t make you a ‘negative person.’ It makes you human.” ~ Lori Deschene