…the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!” ~Jack Kerouac
I may as well have been a less psychedelic Mad Hatter for any and all of my articulateness and constitution this week. I’m positively amazed that I could put together even a single coherent thought, let alone two such thoughts…. I multitask so much in my life. What we are now learning is that multitasking is not the great work efficiency to which we should strive. Either that message came to me via carrier pigeon or my block stubbornness continues, because multitasking is something with which I still struggle. I see myself doing a lot of work and being incredibly busy. All. The. Time. I’m always “busy.” Minimal rest. Not maximum productivity. I’m working – hard. And, when I’m honest — brutally honest with myself – I’m sort of flying by the seat of my pants for most of all of it.
Which is probably why I love this line I came across in one of my books this evening. In typical working procrastination, the aforementioned book is totally not related to the research I must do (have to do) on parallels between the economy and higher education of the current trend and historical comparisons (blech). I know, who wouldn’t rather cozy up to a young Jack K and day dream about a road trip along the Pan-American Highway through Mexico, camping on beaches, skin soaked with sea salt and sweat when facing such brain pulverizing alternative reading? I need another vacation, already.
…burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
Isn’t the energy in that line just fabulous? It says so much for me, and to me, in such a small space of language. I think, for a few reasons, but most predominantly so is the reason of the isolation PhD work creates. At least for me.
I desperately strive to maintain a normal social life, and dating life, but when I include my full time job, my adjunct faculty work, my voluntarism, and general adulting responsibilities such as home ownership maintenance and general cleanliness of living space, there’s not much time in the day. I generally feel… tired. To try to maintain two jobs, and a full doctoral level course schedule, alone, is… intense. Most people don’t understand the level of stress, or the reasons why I put myself through the stress. This is especially hard with dating. “He,” is not going to be my primary focus and receiving a majority of my time or attention. Well, you can imagine how well that goes over. As in, it does not.
What I want and what I need are generally, universally, incongruent. I’ve been called a walking dichotomy. I don’t think it was meant as a high compliment at the time. But, I suppose I both want and need someone who has a little bit of madness, too, whether the moments are “AAAAAAAAAAAHHH,” or “aaaah,” or better yet, “awww.”
But that’s not happening today!
…and it’s my final week of class and I must lock myself in my condo this weekend for any hope to tackle this bear of a final assignment in class. My only hope for socializing is a volunteer shift with Junior League of Phoenix for serving as a tour guide at the grand opening of Ryan House. Mass and teaching Catechism on Sunday, and that’s it. NO Spring Training games and NO camping with friends at the Salt River. NO Vincent’s Farmer’s Market! AAAAAAAAAHGH! And, on top of it all, I’m such a rat. My good friend’s birthday dinner is tomorrow night and I have no card nor gift yet.